On Therapy

I’ve been wondering lately whether I should end therapy. I probably won’t do it, but I do think about it.

I’ve been with my therapist for almost seven years now. I had my first appointment with her in November 2000. She’s not even my first therapist – I’ve been in therapy on and off since I was in college. But she’s by far been the most beneficial. I have the best rapport with her and I’ve learned a lot with her help.

I’ve thought about ending therapy from time to time. This most recent musing came about because I was thinking of ways to save money if Matt and I have to move, and getting rid of that weekly expense would be a big way to save.

But also – sometimes I feel like I get diminishing returns from therapy. By this point, I know what my issues are. I know why I am the way I am, why I do what I do, why I think the way I think.

My biggest issue is one that therapy so far hasn’t been able to help me with: an existential malaise. The big picture. I’m not living my purpose. This has dogged me for years. I didn’t know what I wanted to do in college, didn’t know what I wanted to do after college, in law school, after law school, now. Throughout my years of therapy it’s the one thing I’ve never been able to solve. I’ve taken a couple of writing courses (screenwriting and fiction writing), I’ve written a couple of newspaper letters, I’ve written a piece for the Blade, I’ve joined a chorus – but none of this lets me avoid going to a job every day.

The thing I ask myself is: what would I do if I didn’t have to go to a job every day? What would I do if I were set for life? And that’s a question therapy can’t seem to help me with. It’s a question that requires *action.* And therapy has never been good at helping me translate understanding into action.

Therapy has been very good for certain things. My therapist is someone who I always know is going to be on my side, unconditionally. I can talk to her about the most embarrassing, stupidest things and know I won’t be judged. I can vent to her to my heart’s content. I can be totally selfish around her, because it’s the one place where it’s all about me me me and I don’t have to feel guilty about being the center of attention.

Also, I’d be afraid of not having her to talk to anymore. She’s a safety valve that helps me keep my sanity in case I need it. I don’t know if I can trust anyone else to listen to my problems without rolling their eyes at me, visibly or otherwise.

So for now I’ll keep going to therapy. But I do wonder sometimes.

4 thoughts on “On Therapy

  1. I can only speak for myself, but it has often happen that I’ve thought about quiting therapy just before a big breakthrough. A cliche, I know, but…It’s darkest before dawn.

  2. I think this is an extremely personal decision, and no amount of other people’s stories can help you make it. Except that they can help you realize that you are not alone in making it.

    I’ve quit therapy three times. Once because I was on the brink of a breakthrough and wasn’t ready to make the move. Once because the therapist was a terrible grinning idiot at just the time that I was entering deepest depression.

    The last time, I think it was because I was ready. As you write, I had worked out my issues. My last few months of therapy were more outwardly directed rather than focused on my own issues. The big difference was that I had put things in motion that I had feared forever, and found that they weren’t so bad.

  3. You could just cut back to once or twice a month. That’s what I had to do, since my insurance will only cover 30 sessions a year. But actually I like it, it helps me to think about I what I discuss before I get there. Since I’ve only got 50 minutes every other week, I can’t avoid talking about issues as much as I did before.

  4. I had to quit therapy in order to afford the payments on our house, but one thing my therapist told me was to expect that at some point I might achieve all that I could with him and that I might need to take a break and find a new therapist to help me.

    Talk over this with your therapist and get her input on this.

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