Last night I did something I hadn’t done in months. Before going to bed, I opened a blank book and wrote down all the good things that happened yesterday. If you do this each night, you can train your mind to see all the good things inherent in each day, no matter how small.
I went to The Big Quiz Thing last night, which I’ve been doing recently. There was a special round, the Origami Olympics; each team had to make something out of two pieces of paper, and then our creations were judged. (It wasn’t true origami, because the paper wasn’t square and we were allowed to tear the paper and write on it, but the concept was there.) Our team made a gloryhole. I made the wall with one piece of paper, and Mike made the penis with the other. The judges loved it; we got the second-highest origami score. (The winning creation was an envelope of anthrax addressed to the quiz host; again, ripping was allowed.) One of the other entries was a pair of his-and-his cockrings. After the contest, the judges put one of the cockrings on our gloryhole penis.
I’m thinking of going back to school next fall and getting a degree in library science. I could use it to become a law librarian. I was trying to figure out what I want my next career move to be, and I realized that I’ve always enjoyed libraries. I worked at two libraries while at UVa, and they were nice, comforting environments — all those reference books. So I’ve been thinking, maybe I’ll get a library degree. Then it was pointed out to me that law librarians are among the highest-paid librarians, and I’ve already got the law degree. I don’t know if I’d enjoy doing research projects for high-pressure attorneys in high-pressure law firms, but maybe there are other types of positions out there.
I just know that I need to get out of my current job situation. I’ve felt really tense at work lately — my boss isn’t pleased with my performance, and that makes for an uncomfortable work environment for me. It hurts to feel disapproved of. But I’m looking into switching to a different subject area within my division, something to which I might better relate. In the long run, though, litigation is not for me, and I need to do something different.
I hate getting out of bed in the morning. For about a year, I had a really nice morning routine — I’d wake up around 6:45, sit in my bed and write in my journal for half an hour, then eat a leisurely breakfast while reading the newspaper. I’d leave my apartment at 8:15 and get to work a few minutes before 9:00. But at some point that fell away. It’s been months since I got out of bed before 8:00. Now I rush around in the morning and feel anxious about the time crunch, and I wind up getting into the office after 9:00 and I feel like that can only make me look worse, even though nobody seems to care and there are always several people who get to the office after 9. It makes for an unpleasant start to my day, though. And yet I just can’t seem to drag myself out of bed early enough; no matter how early I set my alarm, I keep hitting the snooze bar until 8:10 or so.
Ultimately I want a life in which I don’t have to work — or at least a life in which my work doesn’t feel like work. I’d love to set my own hours, earn money from writing. I don’t know if I could live with the insecurity of not having a steady paycheck, but maybe. I’m going to try to write stuff for free newspapers. And with my newfound interest in musical theater, I’m wondering if it might be fun to write musicals. I’ve never composed a note of music in my life, but maybe I can be a lyricist; I’m good with rhymes and wordplay.
It’s all about fighting death, really. I’m afraid that I’ll die without leaving anything worthwhile behind. On the other hand, once you’re dead, you’re dead, you no longer exist, and you no longer care about what you’ve left for posterity. So what’s really important is to enjoy every day of your life while you have it. Which brings me back to writing. Because it’s not really about leaving worthwhile creations behind; it’s about enjoying the day-to-day process of creation itself, and about enjoying the fruits of those creations, monetary and otherwise.
I don’t know — often I feel like I just don’t have the discipline to achieve my dreams. I’m too disorganized, scattershot, unfocused, forgetful (all reasons I’m not great at my job). When I’m not at my job, I like to relax. Anything that smacks of work makes me panic, for some reason. But I really need to sit down, figure out my priorities, and set a plan for myself. I need to make time for these things, or else things won’t change. I need to get out of this slump.
Maybe it’s time to read The Artist’s Way again.
A good friend has given me this book, but I have yet to pick it up and read. Is it something you recommend for an artist?
I recommend the book for anyone who’s engaged in something creative or wants to be, or for anyone who feels like something’s missing in their life. It’s great for getting out of a slump, particularly its concept of “morning pages” — writing three longhand pages of prose every morning, whatever comes to mind. It’s not an original idea, but her discussion of its value is really good, and doing the morning pages has often helped me find insights.
What I find best about morning pages is that you start your by taking the time to do something for *yourself*, which is something we often overlook when caught up in the daily grind of work/school/life.
I love your idea of “life in which my work doesn’t feel like work” and setting your own hours. That’d be a dream, wouldn’t it.
The Artist’s Way is great. Now if I were just disciplined enough to make it work for me.
Did you go to law school at UVa? Or undergrad?
I have an acquaintance, a friend of a friend, who is the head law librarian at a big firm in midtown. Let me know if you’re interested in speaking with her. Like you, she has a law degree, but chose a different path to use it.
I don’t know why I didn’t think of her before, when we were discussing a similar topic a few weeks ago. Sorry.
Y’know, I have to work at 9:30, and I often find myself stumbling into the shower at 9:05. I think I’ve got you beat on the morning thing.
It’s not so much the insecurity of not having a steady paycheck; it’s the lack of health insurance that ends up being the Sword of Damocles.
I have the same getting-up-in-the-morning thing going on. A combination of seen-it and done-it and/or mild depression, possibly. And I also worked in a library at U of Michigan. I have also thought about getting a library science degree, but the idea of going back to school is pretty scary.