Nostalgia

I’m feeling something I haven’t felt in a long time: sadness. I feel slightly depressed. When I have a negative feeling it’s usually anxiety, worry. But today I feel sad.

Today was the University of Virginia’s annual move-in day. I feel kinda sad every year around this time, because it makes me miss it. Moving in; reuniting with friends after a long summer, or meeting new people; anticipating an exciting year ahead, filled with fun, activity, growth, self-exploration. I loved it especially when I was an undergrad (except for my first year — see below). When I was in law school, move-in weekend didn’t feel quite as exciting.

But this year… it’s been ten years. It was ten years ago this weekend that I moved into my first-year dorm at UVa. I was sad and scared and worried and nervous. I didn’t want my parents to leave me (although I tried to hide it). I didn’t want to be at UVa. I missed high school, the familiar halls, the familiar friends and teachers. I missed Japan. Now I was back in the US, feeling reverse-culture shock. And I was in Virginia — in the South, for goodness’ sake. I felt so out of place.

Things were rough for the first few weeks, but they got better once I joined the University Singers and the First-Year Players. I never felt close to my first-year suitemates, though. But the following fall I moved into a single in a brand-new building and met some great friends, and from then on, UVa was terrific.

Damn. Writing about all this is making me even sadder. I miss the place. Not just geographically; I miss being a college student. I wish I could have all that time lying in front of me all over again — empty space, filled with Expectation. The fall — anticipating new people and new things. Hanging out with my friends from the singing groups, hanging out with my friends in the dorms. Having dinner together every night. Going to Macado’s on the Corner. Hanging out on the Lawn in the fall, a slight chill in the air, the clock clanging at the top of each hour, the sound floating on the breeze. Yellow and orange leaves.

Damn.

I’m romanticizing it to a degree — but not totally. I really felt that way every year; I was always happy when a new year began. Even if I’d had an especially great summer and was sad that it was over, that was tempered by my happiness at starting another year of college.

I wish I’d come out sooner. I wish I’d been out during college; I wish I’d dated.

Now I’m in the New York area. New York is a great city, but it’s not like college. It’s big and impersonal and aggressive and dirty. I’m having dinner with a friend of mine tonight. But you know what? Afterwards, I’d like to go to a bar with a few people and just hang out. Not a gay bar. A real bar, like Chumley’s on Bedford Street, where Jack Kerouac used to hang out, a place where you can just chill and chat and drink beer. That sounds great right about now. Being gay in New York can get old.

Heck — being gay can get old.

I miss Charlottesville. I miss the lower cost of living. I miss the academic atmosphere. The sense of community. I miss all the traditions of the University. All the Jeffersoniana that pervades the Charlottesville area. I miss the fall. I miss all the secondhand bookstores. I miss the Blue Ridge Mountains and the Shenandoah Valley and I-64. Maybe I’ll retire to Albemarle County many years from now. Who knows.

Of course, during my very last year in Charlottesville — my last year of law school — I couldn’t wait to leave. Possibilities there were so limiting, especially socially, especially as a gay man. I wanted to come back to the New York area, where there were so many people and opportunities and seemingly an infinite number of possibilities.

Now I don’t know.

Possibilities.

What does self-exploration mean after college? Or after you come out, for that matter? For the longest time, I knew that my personal growth was tied to coming out. Until I finally came out to my parents two years ago, I knew that there were a certain things I had to accomplish before I could grow as a person. Coming out to my parents was going to be my greatest challenge.

But I’ve done it. And now I don’t know what I need to do in order to grow. I don’t even know what direction to grow in. In college, there’s so much to learn — so much that’s new — you can’t help but grow. But what about now?

I’m 27. How do I grow now?
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