Cost-Benefit Analysis
So. Anyone who knows my name can find my blog. This has made me hesitant lately.
Nevertheless, if I don’t write, you people are all gonna leave, and it’s like therapy for me anyway. So I’ll get on with it.
I’ve gone on two second dates this week. Both of them were movie dates. One of them included dinner beforehand. One of the movies was “The Royal Tennenbaums.” One of the movies was “Black Hawk Down.” Both movies were good. Neither date involved handholding or the least bit of physical contact. Neither guy even made an attempt at physical contact.
Well, okay, there was some. One of the second dates ended with a hug. The other second date ended with a goodbye handshake. Both guys expressed interest in third dates, though.
I’m frustrated.
To get to Union Square, I exit the PATH train at 14th Street and Sixth Avenue and walk along 14th Street for two or three long blocks. That stretch of avenue has such a high concentration of hot guys.
It’s frustrating.
I want a boyfriend. Lately. Lately I’ve really wanted a boyfriend. And I look at those guys walking along 14th Street, and I sit and watch “Black Hawk Down” and see all these hot guys with military haircuts, and then we say goodnight and I walk back to the PATH and I see more hot guys, and then I look at myself in the mirror and I think to myself, I need a haircut.
Oh, and I fell off the wagon the other night. If you want to call it that.
I’d changed my chat room profile. I’d added the line, “Not looking for insta-hookups.” But consequently, fewer people were talking to me. So I removed the line, hoping that at least more people would feel like chatting.
And some people did. I was approached by a few different people. Horny people. And after weighing it in my mind and telling one of the guys, “Lately I’ve been trying to get to know people first before having sex,” he told me that in all honesty he was horny. And I decided, argh, dammit, no, yes, no, yes, no, well, okay, I guess I’m sorta horny too. But I wasn’t. Yeah, my body was. But my mind didn’t want to have sex.
I was walking over to meet him and I was telling myself that I wanted to turn back. I didn’t want to do it. I wanted to go home. But my feet kept moving. It had been so long. It was like part of me needed to do it.
So I did it. And it wasn’t very exciting. It wasn’t even all that extensive, actually. And there wasn’t even any kissing. There was a very satisfying explosive ending on my part, but I went home feeling unsatisfied, emotionally and mentally.
A couple of people have told me not to be hard on myself about having done this. So I won’t be. Or at least I’ll try to move on.
I’m frustrated though. I’m craving a companion lately.
So.
Anyone who knows my name can find my blog.
So it may be detrimental to me to be writing about these things.
Yet I’m doing it anyway.
Cost-benefit analysis.
I guess I’ve decided the benefits to myself outweigh the potential costs.
Right now, at least.
Two things: 1. Don’t be so hard on your self. Just have a little fun and all the happiness and all that other stuff will fall in place in due time. 2. You should never go to a movie in like the first 5 dates with someone. You don’t have a chance to dare I say “bond” with someone. So don’t take it to much to heart that the guys didn’t want to hold your hand, they didn’t get much tinman time!
Wow, there’s a lot of stuff going on in that post.
First, I agree with Geno to some extent about the movie thing. Movies do not give you the opportunity to bond with someone unless you spend time together after. If I see a movie with someone, I will _always_ want to have dinner or drinks after. Conversely, if I have to see anyone who is very annoying, I’ll arrange just to see a movie with them so we don’t have to talk to each other.
Second, there’s a lot of space between “companion” and “boyfriend;” the latter takes time. (I once met someone who said that he had a “boyfriend” of two days; this statement gets a credibility value of zero.) “Companion” is different, and easier. What are *you* looking to do (ahem, out of your apartment)? Then do it with someone. Even on a 2nd or 3rd date, it will be a good time. If that leads to a significant other, great, but in the meantime the experience will be more fun than just seeing a movie. And ideally, the physical aspect, even in the beginning stages of dating, will feel a lot less empty than an instant hookup.
I definitely agree with the posters above: movies probably aren’t the best way to get to know a person, that’s for sure. I mean, there you two sit, each individually entertained for a couple of hours, hardly saying a thing to one another… I prefer going to a movie with friends. Oh, and on that “no kissing” bit: screw that! If he doesn’t kiss, I’ll NEVER see him again. That’s my steadfast rule. Hello??!! I need a connection here!!! Of course, I’m sure the kissing issue wasn’t even discussed beforehand.
I’ll just repeat what I said in our AIM chat the other night, Jeff — that I get the impression, from what you wrote about your two second dates, that you were waiting for *him* to make the move, instead of really considering taking the initiative yourself. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that. ;) And I may be way wrong; after all, I wasn’t there. But that’s just my take on it, FWIW.
((((( HUG )))))
You know, I was freaked out when friends and family started going to my site regularly (damn… I write about sucking DICK sometimes. Hi, Mom!) But I decided that anyone who didn’t like what I had to say could go fuck an ice cube… it’s MY blog, so be it.
Regarding your blog, I like Forster’s words: “Make your statement and sign your name to it.” Be daring. Force your blog to be utterly honest and bare. Fuck this culture of hiding behind anonymity and irony. I love your blog, and anyone worth your while who finds it would only admire you more upon reading it.
Regarding your boyfriend quest: I encourage you to be aggressively true to yourself. It took me a very long time to find my boyfriend, and I don’t think that I could have found him at all had I not been bypassing all the dreary hookups out there. And if I had been hooking up, I know I wouldn’t be the person I am now, the person he fell in love with. Encounter after encounter would have washed me out and acclimated me to compromise.
And the hookups don’t deserve you! : )
Brent
I know zilch about cost-benefits analysis. Apparently, such analyses focus on costs prior to examining benefits. Interesting. The Ends-Justify-The-Means Philosophy of Life looks at benefits before reviewing costs. Perhaps they are two sides of the same coin.
You (understandably) frame your discussion in terms of what your weblog costs you and the benefits you derive from it. If I may offer my own (abbreviated) benefits-cost analysis:
_Benefits_
Scarecrow Benefits: Unwilling to perform my own self-examination, I greatly benefit from your sharing your introspective perceptions and insights. Your willingness to share what’s going on in your brain makes me realize how little is going on in mine.
Cowardly Lion Benefits: Afraid to live the life I’d like to live, I greatly prosper from your openly sharing your personal, family, social, romantic, sexual, and spiritual experiences. Sometimes I feel like a voyeur. Most of the time, I feel grateful that someone who acknowledges he doesn’t have all the answers is willing to share his mistakes as well as his successes. It’s comforting to hear from someone feels guilty, ashamed, uncertain, and awkward as well as someone who is fundamentally proud and happy.
Dorothy Benefits: Unable to find a place where I fit in, a place I can call home, I benefit from hearing how you are creating the place where you fit in, your own home with family and friends.
Wizard Benefits: Unwilling to come out from behind the curtain, I benefit from your standing up in front of all the metaphorical residents of Oz.
_Costs_
Financial costs: none. I sometimes feel guilty about that, considering the benefits I receive at your financial and emotional expense.
Emotional costs: substantial. You make me realize I merely exist day-to-day and fail to live. Ignorance was bliss. Your opening your life and sharing your experiences, thoughts, insights, dilemmas, and on-and-on, you’ve made me understand that the journey along The Yellow Brick Road of Life should be enjoyable and not solely the means to get to The Emerald City.
_Public Service_
This is one factor you didn’t seem to consider in your analysis. Your weblog does provide a public service to others. At least it does that for me. Thanks.