Leaping

I went to a gay dating workshop last spring, and the organizer said that in order to have a successful relationship with a guy, you need to be compatible on three levels: the head, the heart, and the penis (and he moved his hand down along his body as he said each one, like some perversion of the sign of the cross).

The thing is, I’m usually too shy or nervous to approach the ones who seem promising.

The other thing is, no guy is good enough for me unless he’s too good for me.

What I mean is that I seem to be interested only in guys who can give me a bit of an intellectual inferiority complex. I’m interested in guys who can dazzle me intellectually and creatively — and who can do it to such an extent that I worry they might look down on me.

I don’t mean guys who dazzle me through being pretentious. I mean guys who dazzle me just by being the smart guys they are.

When I was a kid, I always felt competitive with, and threatened by, the other smart kids, because until I met them, I was the only smart kid I knew, and my parents and teachers loved me. Then these other smart kids came along and started elbowing in on what I’d thought was my turf. I was six years old and I was learning that the world was not as I’d thought.

Subconsciously, I seem to approach the dating process like a missionary. I want to convert the ones who I think don’t think I’m good enough. Once they think I’m good enough, I lose interest. No more challenge — mission accomplished. If they think I’m good enough — what’s the point?

I gotta work on that… because that can lead only to failure.

Right now, I’m like Sam Beckett on “Quantum Leap”:

…and so Dr. Beckett finds himself leaping from life to life, striving to put right what once went wrong… hoping each time that his next leap — will be the leap home.

When do I leap home?