SHAFU

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I want to write about something else I realized this weekend.

The gay community is fucked up.

Okay, that’s a rhetorical flourish. By “the gay community,” I mean the gay community as I and many others experience it, which is through bars and chat rooms.

(I want to point out that the gay blogging community is different. Gay bloggers for the most part seem to like each other and get along well. We have our own little family here on the Web.)

I experienced such an overwhelming sense of togetherness and brotherhood this weekend with my fellow males. We all had the music in common, and we sang it together, and we felt close to each other. We were a big family. For me, it was so emotionally authentic. It was the realest emotion I’d felt in a really long time.

But of course, that makes perfect sense, because nobody wanted to sleep with each other.

And then I came home, and I turned on my computer, and I thought about the chat rooms. And the bar scene. And I realized that I’d just returned from a world where men treat each other with affection and laughter to a world where men treat each other like shit.

How many times have you tried to say hi to a guy, only to be ignored (online) or coldly dismissed (at bars)? And how many times, despite having good hearts, have we done that to other people ourselves?

I guess that’s what happens when you’re looking for your next fuck as opposed to your next friend.

And the sad thing is, I didn’t even realize the abnormality of it all until I returned from my weekend. I’d accepted all this crap as normal! I’d accepted it as unfortunate, yes, but normal. But it’s totally not normal. In fact, it’s laughable. The shirtless smooth chiseled men on the pages of HX? Laughable. Guys who shut the chat room window on you? Dorks. The Roxy? Ridiculous. The conformity? Contemptible. Why do we put up with this crap? Why does a hugely visible segment of the gay community do this?

When I sang in those men’s groups in college, nobody cared what you looked like, or how much you weighed, or how tall you were. It was all about who you were as a person. Basically, if you weren’t an asshole, you were accepted.

Male bonding is a good thing. But gay men — in many situations — can’t seem to do it. We’re afraid of each other. We retreat into our little self-protective bubbles, stare at each other like little baubles.

No wonder so many gay guys have self-esteem problems.

We’re in a SHAFU here. Situation Homosexual All Fucked Up.

Again, I’m talking about only a segment of the gay community. There are other ways to meet guys — volunteering, cultural activities, blogging!

But I do wonder if it’s something endemic to gay identity itself. Or even endemic to the nature of sexual attraction.

This is going to be another rhetorical flourish, but guys get along better when they’re not concerned about sleeping with each other.

4 thoughts on “SHAFU”

  2. I used to feel this way, too, when I first started coming out. I’ve come to realize that SOME gay men are this way, not most. Granted, if you’re meeting all your friends in the bar or in chat rooms, there’s your problem. That’s not to say you won’t find great guys there, but too many of them feel like they have to play a certain role in those settings. I personally don’t have time or patience for that kind of superficiality.

    I can honestly say I don’t have a shallow gay male friend in my life now. Heck, maybe I’m just lucky. Of course, I’m also in a settled relationship, so maybe that’s why my perspective is so rosy.

  3. Ah well -you see, gay men are very good at treating and transforming other men into commodities. Hell, gay men are also very good at even turning themselves into commodities -that’s what all those hours spent down the gym is about. Unfortunately what gay men share in common with most men -is that they are usually very bad at is dealing with emotions -whether their own or other peoples. So they think it’s best to pretend not to have them at all. (Isn’t that what being ‘cool’ is all about?) We’ve all still got a lot of growing up to do.

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