I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. Also a lot of feeling. And I’ve decided I want to write more openly and honestly about my life here again. Perhaps not all the time. But I’ve had a lot going on with me lately, and I need to write about it. Besides, one of the best things about blogging has been the opportunity to connect with other people, and sharing intimate aspects of my life has always helped make those connections a little bit stronger. I’ve been hesitant to be completely open here these last few months, but I’ve been told that I shouldn’t have to censor myself. So I won’t.
I’ve had my heart broken recently. It hurts, and it sucks. I fell for him hard, and despite three months of his vacillation and mixed messages, my feelings didn’t go away. I wish they had. It probably wasn’t all about him; I’m sure it had something to do with my own psychology as well. Who knows why we fall for the people we do?
I’m trying to move on. I met someone last night, in fact. With the amount of online flirtation beforehand, it could probably be classified as a date, although I find the “date” concept to be murky these days. He was intelligent, much cuter than I’d expected, funny, and — an added bonus — Jewish, which, although not necessarily a requirement for me, is a really big plus. We talked over drinks for two hours, and I wound up going home with him. I don’t necessarily think it’s great to have sex with a guy on the first date, but my horniness often gets the better of me, unless there’s an internal or external countervailing force. There being no countervailing force, I went home with him and stayed overnight. We do want to see each other again. In fact, this was originally going to be a blog entry about whether it’s a dealbreaker if you have sex with a guy on the first date, but as you can see, there was more that I wanted to write about.
I’m still trying to figure out if I can be friends with the guy who broke my heart. I was just discussing it with a friend of mine, and the friend pointed out that even if we weren’t technically dating, it really is like a breakup from my point of view. There are feelings, there are wounds that need to heal, and that is not something that happens instantly. I can’t necessarily just pick up and start over with him, lickety-split. Also — and I hope he understands this — part of me is still angry at him for not returning my feelings. I know it’s not rational to simultaneously miss someone and be angry at him, but by definition emotions aren’t rational, and I think it’s normal to feel this way, particularly when the feelings were so strong.
I know (and I should remind myself) that I have lots of great qualities. I’m thoughtful, I’m emotionally perceptive, I’m caring, I’m intelligent, I’m cute (and have been described by several people as “adorable”), I have a 29-inch waist, I’m an excellent kisser, and I’m quite good in bed. With all of that going for me, I’m going to make someone really happy someday.
I’ve had my heart broken before, and I’ve always moved on eventually, even if it’s always taken some time.
So it’s not necessarily going to be easy, or quick.
But eventually, I will feel better.
I think the dealbreaker is if you have sex but don’t make some concrete plans for a second date before parting. In that case you both kind of know that you aren’t in it for the long term — if sex changes things between you, making plans for the future resets the scales.
Similarly, I don’t think it’s so much a problem remaining friends with an ex as it is remaining friends with someone who isn’t considerate of your feelings. I’m still in many ways hung up on one particular ex of mine, who isn’t really my friend just because he doesn’t have any time to devote to me if we aren’t in a relationship. It’s infuriating to know that I mean — meant — so little to him and still to want him the way I do. Still, it’s preferable to having a choice in the matter of who you fall in love with.
I’ve managed to remain friendly with — if not particularly close to — the man who literally tossed me on the street with no notice a few weeks before Christmas, after a ten-year relationship, because he met someone else. If I could get past that, I think you can get past this.
As to your other question, I met a man late one night in a Manhattan bar, and we proceeded to have sleazy hotel sex (er… the sex was sleazy, not the hotel. Sorry, Sheraton!) To top it off, the next day, he went home to Washington DC. But now we’ve been together and happy for five months, which isn’t a lifetime, but it’s a good, solid start.
Which is my way of saying that there aren’t any rules. That, or I have a really bizarre love life.
(I have another theory that says that men with 29-inch waists should be unhappy, as a way to balance out the universe, but I’ll save that for another time…)
I’m friends with my very first boyfriend, although distantly. My partner and I get together with him usually around once or twice a year to catch up. I think it can work out to be friends with an ex. It all really depends on the two people…and on the break-up, too, of course.
In the meantime, it sounds like you’ve got another opportunity right before you. Go for it! :-)
The ex thing is completely case-by-case. My first is one of my dearest friends; we’ve stayed with him in New Orleans and he’s stayed with us up here. The second … well, I’m sure he’s happy somewhere. Don’t know and don’t care.