If Al Gore Were My Professor

Scene: Outside Professor Gore’s office.

Jeff knocks on the door. The sound of ruffling papers and the clearing of a throat.

Professor Gore: Yes?

Jeff: Professor Gore? May I come in?

Professor Gore: Please.

Jeff opens the door slowly and walks in. Professor Gore is wearing a beige tweed jacket over a maroon v-neck sweater. He smiles at Jeff brightly.

Professor Gore: How may I help you?

Jeff: Do you have a moment? I had a few questions after class but I couldn’t make my way to the front of the room because of all the journalists.

Professor Gore: Not a problem. They follow me all over the place. Though not as much as they used to. (He grimaces.)

Jeff: Yeah…

Professor Gore (muttering quietly): supreme court…

Jeff: Yeah… um, anyway, I didn’t quite understand something that you were saying in class today, and I was wondering if you could clarify it?

Professor Gore: Perhaps you’re referring to my discussion of the technology coefficient.

Jeff: Well, no —

Professor Gore: The news derivative?

Jeff: Not really, but —

Professor Gore: The news derivative was a theory that grew out of the Mathusian genoplasty movement in the eighteenth century. It relates in many ways to the Tofflerian concept of predetermined linguistic microphages. But you probably covered that in an introductory class.

Jeff: Well actually —

Professor Gore (laughing): I know, I know, I don’t want to insult your intelligence. I apologize.

Jeff: Thanks, but —

Professor Gore: As for the technology coefficient, if you read Capistrati on the emergence of Blue Fromage disease around the time of the French Revolution, as well as Kovislavski’s well-known dissertation on the early Luddite movement, there’s lots of great information in there. Why, Tipper and I —

Jeff: The thing is, sir, if I may —

Professor Gore: Now hold on a sec. As I was saying, why, Tipper and I were discussing the technology coefficient just the other night while she was putting on her sexy lace neglige before bed. I love my wife Tipper, you know. I kiss her a lot.

Jeff: Yes —

Professor Gore: I like sex. Really.

Jeff: Yes, I know, I saw the convention speech —

Professor Gore: Did you really? What did you think?

Jeff: Well, to be honest, I didn’t catch the whole thing.

Professor Gore: (sighs)

Jeff: I mean, I wanted to, I really did! It’s just that I was busy writing —

Professor Gore: (sighs loudly)

Jeff (quickly): I mean I watched the whole thing and I couldn’t keep my eyes off it and it was the best speech I’ve ever seen.

Professor Gore (smiling): Why thank you! I wrote it myself.

Jeff: Ah, yes, I seem to recall reading about that!

Professor Gore: Last August was a busy time for me, actually, because while I was working on my speech I was also writing the scripts for “Survivor.”

Jeff: Um, “Survivor” didn’t have scripts.

Professor Gore: I invented scripts, you know. In fact, William Shakespeare and I —

Jeff (confused): Professor?

Professor Gore: Anyway, in case you’re still confused about predetermined linguistic microphages, I’d be happy to elaborate.

He pulls out a large whiteboard and begins to draw a diagram.

Jeff: Really, that’s okay, I just had a quick question.

Professor Gore (drawing quickly): If you’ll see here, the early linguistic microphages weren’t predetermined — (he laughs and nods) — though, of course, there are some Scandinavian theorists who believe otherwise, such as Sven Hagegard. Now under Mr. Hagegard’s plan, linguistic microphages would have gone through an early primogenital phase. But under my plan —

Jeff: Actually, Professor? I really do have to run to my next class.

Professor Gore: Oh, not a problem! Well, I’m glad I was able to answer all your questions.

Jeff: Well, no.

Professor Gore: No?

(pause)

Jeff: I just wanted to know about the grading policy.

Professor Gore: Oh.

(There is a long pause. Professor Gore nervously pretends to be examining something on the ceiling. Jeff looks concerned.)

Jeff: Since grades are kind of important.

Professor Gore: Right.

(Another long pause. Professor Gore looks around and looks up at the ceiling again. Then he looks back at Jeff.)

Professor Gore: Under my plan —

Jeff: Professor? The grading system?

Professor Gore: Right. Sorry.

(pause)

Professor Gore: You know, I invented grades.

Jeff: (Sighs loudly.)

[Exeunt]