The guy has been on my mind lately. I think I’m developing some sort of feelings for him. I don’t know what those feelings are, but they’re something. Is it possible that what I first saw as some casual sexual fun has developed into something more in my eyes? Physically, he’s everything I could want in a guy; he’s short (like me), he’s smooth, he has a beautiful face, and physically, he’s very passionate. (I’ve found that just because someone has great looks, doesn’t mean he’ll have great sexual skill… but he has both.) He’s also intelligent and he’s my age. But there are some downsides: he’s a smoker, and I think his life priorities are different from mine. But anyway.

Both of us have said that we’re not looking for a relationship right now. He’s newly out, after having recently ended a several-years-long engagement to a woman, and he’s enjoying his newfound freedom. In fact, he recently began looking for other friends and sex partners through online personal ads. (Note: He and I definitely practice safe sex. We’re not stupid.) He told me a little bit about one of the guys who responded to his ad — a really attractive guy in his 20s who describes himself as straight or questioning and is looking to experiment. I’ve never had someone like that respond to an ad of mine. (But I don’t look for sex partners through my ads.)

I’m not looking for a relationship right now either, but I’m finding that I’m jealous. I’m thinking, why aren’t I enough for him? It seems like we have something. He sleeps over, we cuddle together, we look into each other’s eyes, we have conversations, we throw on clothes and go out to grab some food, we’ve even gone out to a couple of bars together and made out, we chat online several nights a week. So when we’re together, are we just pretending? I guess we’re just friends who have sex, and I happen to have developed feelings of some kind. I wanted to get together with him some night this weekend, but he’s already made plans. Presumably with one of the other guys. Or two of them, Friday night and Saturday night. It hurts to imagine him sleeping with someone else, staring into another guy’s eyes, cuddling with him.

I can’t figure out what I’m feeling. It’s true that I don’t want a relationship right now. I will want one again at some point, but not now. Plus, even if I did want a relationship, as great as he is, I don’t think he’s what I’d be looking for. So what is it that I want from him? Do I just want to be desired? Do I just want to be longed for?

I don’t usually feel like this. Normally, if I were sleeping with someone, I wouldn’t be jealous of whomever else he slept with. I wouldn’t care.

But I do care.