When Reality Intrudes
The veil has been pierced; today, for the first time, I heard from someone who stumbled across my blog and realized that he knew me. (This is cool and yet a little disconcerting — so much for anonymity.) He and I went on a couple of dates early last month before he had to return to grad school up in Buffalo. We had a good time together, so — *waving* — hey there, up in Buffalo!
The Guy
Tonight I talked on the phone with The Guy (since that seems to be the name he’s taken on). I chatted him up and asked him how his weekend went. He told me; there was sex involved in his weekend activities. But strangely, this didn’t bother me as much as I’d thought it would — basically because he didn’t have sex with, or even meet up with, a person of whom I’d been particularly envious — a self-described “straight frat boy” who apparently had really good-looking photos. Instead, he described the people whom he met up with, and they weren’t descriptions of people I’d have been interested in. I guess it’s like if someone has a really good sandwich, and I want some, but then I realize the sandwich has lots of mayonnaise on it; suddenly the sandwich doesn’t seem as big a deal. (I really dislike mayonnaise.) This kind of makes me wonder — was I envious of him, or of the sandwich — I mean, of the people he had sex with? I don’t know. But I suspect more and more that this isn’t about him as much as it’s about me. And hey, that makes sense, because it’s my blog, and I can cry if I want to.
Furthermore, there’s this guy in another city whom he’s been interacting with online for several weeks, and he says he might be interested in a relationship with that guy. And for some reason this doesn’t make me envious, either, because he’s described this guy, and he has certain qualities I wouldn’t want in a romantic partner. So again — of whom am I envious? This really has to do with me and my insecurities. I know I seem to refer to my insecurities at least three times a week in this blog, but that’s because they have a big hold over me. On the outside, though, I’ve been told I’m kind of a friendly, charming guy (albeit a little shy), so I must hide my insecurities well.