Dad

Last night I had dinner with my dad. A few weeks ago I had a really honest conversation with my mom, and we each got to say some things that needed to be said, and afterward she suggested I do the same thing with him. Apparently she suggested it to him as well, because last week he called me and asked if I’d like to have dinner sometime soon. So last night I met him outside Penn Plaza in Manhattan and we went to an Italian restaurant.

It felt a little awkward. It’s harder for me to communicate with my dad than with my mom. I’ve internalized a particular view of each of my parents, and neither view is up to date, because they’ve both changed a lot in the last few years — they’ve become more understanding of who I am, and they’ve come to realize that what they want for me is not always what I want for me. Last night at dinner, my dad told me that he loves me and that I can always tell him anything. It was great to hear. And he said that if I didn’t want to talk about things right now, I could talk with him down the road.

But something’s not quite right. This doesn’t feel comfortable.

I’m so used to feeling that my father is my antagonist. It’s like I’ve always needed something to push against, and now he’s told me that he’ll no longer stand in my way. So this is what adulthood is supposed to feel like. I feel strangely free, but sort of scared, naked on a mountaintop, unprotected by anything, the wind ready to knock me off my own two feet. I’ve already told my parents I’m gay, and that was the biggest hurdle; what else is there to push against? Nothing at all? If that’s true, it’s going to be hard to get used to.

I’m also wondering, is he trying to get at something specific? I’m wondering if he knows about this blog. He has ways of finding things out. (Dad, if you’re reading — I’m onto you.) My dad is pretty swift with computers and he’s a bright guy. I’m looking for a job for next year, and he told me last night that if you do an Internet search on my name, the first thing that comes up is this gay-related volunteer position I had a year and a half ago, complete with the story of my coming out. He said this as if it’s a bad thing. I’m not sure what he thinks is the problem here: my being gay, or my forthrightness in putting my coming-out story on the Web, or both.

The thing is, he’s so much more practical than I am. Me, I’m not ready to be practical; I’m too much of an idealist, I’m too naive. I don’t know if that’s good or bad. Sometimes my dad’s advice can save me from some unnecessary trouble, but sometimes I’d like a little less negativity and a little more encouragement. For instance, I told him I’m looking for a new place to live, and he said that any place in the city is going to be noisy. Okay, Dad, that’s true, but I’m sure I could find a place where I don’t have neighbors who stay up into the wee hours of the morning.

Of course, this is also the guy who wasn’t happy when my mom decided to quit her job and go back to school, because, he said, her job had great health benefits.

I don’t know. At least he’s making an effort. But I can’t totally wrap my brain around him. He and I are intellectual equals, but emotionally, I feel like he and I are in different worlds. Then again, I’m realizing that my internalized negative view of my dad from childhood doesn’t totally mesh with the man he is today. He’s not a villain. He’s a lot more complicated than I thought he was.