Mom?

I had a disturbing dream last night. I dreamed that I found out that my dad had had an affair with a woman a very long time ago, and it turned out that this woman was actually my real mother, instead of the woman whom I’ve come to know and love and cherish as my mother, and that everyone had hid this from me. In the dream, the mistress and my dad told me the news together. I was crushed. I didn’t know who I was anymore.

The three of us were driving along in a car — me, my dad, and this strange, evil woman — and I was trying not to be upset. But as the woman was talking to me, I realized that hiding underneath the dashboard was the woman whom I’d always thought of as my mom. I made eye contact with her and I wanted to cry, but I didn’t say anything, because I was afraid of what the strange woman would do if she knew she was there. But my dad knew that she was hiding there also and didn’t say anything because he didn’t want the mistress to know. Apparently, he was really on my side and disliked the strange woman as much as I did.

I woke up feeling really uneasy. What the heck? How do you know that your mother is really your mother?

When my mom and I brought the dog to the vet the other day, it was a real bonding experience. We were hugging each other and crying and then afterwards we had wine in the backyard. On the drive back to the house I felt moved to tell her how much I love her, how much more I feel like I connect with her than I do with my dad or my brother. I really and truly love my mother.

And dammit, I just know she’s my mom…