The Game
Thanks to those of you who commented on the previous entry. I’m now leaning more towards letting the guy use my quotes if he so chooses. Of course, on the other hand, Monica Lewinsky sought out fame, and look what happened to her! She became the laughingstock of the nation.
Anyway, it’s always possible he won’t use any of my quotes, in which case this would have been a pointless debate.
I’m suffering through a rotten cold. I woke up Wednesday morning with a really scratchy throat (after about four hours of sleep, post-Beige), and I’ve felt rotten for the last three days, so I’m staying in tonight. I’m congested and my eyes are irritated.
I haven’t talked to Wes since Sunday night. I called him last Sunday night because he hadn’t called me in several days. He suggested we hang out later in the week or something, because he was going to be busy on Monday and Tuesday nights. I said sure, and so he said he’d call me later in the week and we could make plans.
Well, here it is, late on Friday night, and he hasn’t called me all week.
I didn’t think he was going to call me. In fact, in a weird way, I sort of hoped he wouldn’t call me, because that would prove to me that he really isn’t interested in me anymore, and I could step into the role of victim that much more easily. Oh, wonderful, right? Yeah, I’m oh-so-good at hurting my own feelings when nobody else will do it for me.
I want to talk with him, but I’m not quite sure what I want to say. I mean, I’ve decided he’s not what I’m looking for in a boyfriend after all, so why do I care? And if I try to confirm that he’s no longer interested in me, he might think I’m doing it because I’m still interested in him. If he’s not interested in me, then I must convey to him that I’m no longer interested in him, right? It all goes back to the game that Rob presented a few days ago. If neither guy likes the other, then the score is zero. But if you like the guy and he doesn’t like you, then the score is -1, which is worse than a score of zero.
You always want to move upward.
Okay, I’m being slightly facetious, but we really do act like that sometimes, don’t we?
I’m really annoyed that Wes seems to be avoiding me instead of calling me to talk. I mean, he’s not very touchy-feely (which is one reason he wouldn’t make a good boyfriend for me anyway). But it would be nice to get some closure here.
If he’d stopped calling me after only two or three dates, then maybe I could understand. After all, that happens.
But why does that even happen?
Why the fuck don’t gay guys communicate with each other? Is it really a gay thing? Or is it an urban gay thing? Or is it just a human thing? Why do gay guys avoid all contact instead of taking the time to say, “Look — I’m sorry, but I just don’t think this is going to work out”? God forbid a gay man should show some respect for another gay guy’s feelings, because, oh my god, if you show a gay man that you care about his feelings, he might think you’re in love with him, right? Or you’ll be showing him that you care about people, and we all know that gay men aren’t allowed to care about people! That would make us vulnerable!
We’re too busy competing with each other. We don’t want to be the one to get rejected first, so we strike preemptively.
Yeah, there’s that. But this situation sucks even more.
Wes and I went out on more than two or three dates. Over the course of a month I slept at his apartment several times, and he cooked dinner for me twice, and we hung out a few times every week for a month. And we grilled together at my parents’ house when they were away. And we went out to dinner together and he used the phrase “when you meet my parents,” not if. And we cuddled up on the couch together and watched a movie and he said to me, “You know, this is kinda like what boyfriends do.” And he e-mailed me while he was on vacation. And a couple of days after the World Trade Center collapsed, he called me from vacation to see how I was doing.
Oh, we went on more than just a couple of dates. For him to just stop calling me now, without any explanation — well, that’s just rude. Frankly, it’s a sucky way to treat someone. Par for the course, though. He acted like a cad at the Phoenix, and he’s acting like a cad again.
Anyway, having nothing to do tonight, and being unable to complete last Saturday’s New York Times crossword — the Saturday puzzles are toughest, after all — and it being Friday night and Wes still not having called me, I finally decided to take the initiative.
I still didn’t know what to say, so I opened up a spiral notebook and started to write an imaginary letter to him. I mean, it was a letter, but I had no intention of sending it. Unsent letters are a good way to get out all your angry feelings about someone so you don’t fall apart and lash out at the person when you finally talk together.
Of course, I know a certain blogger who might tell me that it’s better not to hide the anger — that it’s better to let it all out. You know who you are.
At any rate, I wrote about two paragraphs, and then I decided, screw it. I picked up the phone, even thought I knew there was a good chance he wouldn’t be home on a Friday night. I had to plan for two possibilities — one, he’d pick up the phone. Two, he wouldn’t.
He didn’t.
I got his answering machine.
There was a recording, and then: beeeeeeeeeep!
My turn.
Hi.
It’s Jeff.
Gimme a call.
It would be cool if we could talk.
Talk to you later.
Click.
Cripes. I met him on August 4. I last saw him on September 7. Now it’s October 5.
I’ve known him for two months, and yet during that second month — even though we’ve talked on the phone several times — I haven’t seen him at all.
Being gay totally sucks sometimes. No wonder I stayed in the closet for so long.
The problem here is that fags are guys. Straight guys pull this type of shit on chicks all the time. Boys are basically cowards that don’t want to face the music. Some will say they do it to “spare your feelings” and others just think it’s acceptable social behavior to sever communication in lieu of expressing disinterest.
It isn’t easy to tell someone you don’t want to date them anymore and it doesn’t get much easier with practice. It’s sad that many people don’t even bother to practice these days. I decided a long time ago to stop putting more effort into a relationship than the other party. If they don’t call, fine. It’s their loss.
Closure is a great thing and it often leads to a nice friendship when the romance part doesn’t work out. What you have to decide is whether or not it’s worth the trouble, and the possibly humiliating side-effects, of seeking closure with this guy. Don’t let it get you down either way.
That’s some hot advice from someone with almost no relationship experience. ha ha ha
Hmmmmm, I wanna let you in on a leetle secret….this is people stuff. It doesnt matter if you are gay, straight or ambidextrious (heehee).
The game stops being worth it when the pain outweighs the pay off. I didn’t stop my tragic love affair with a beautiful man with his own set of problmes, even in my head, until the beauty of his “potential” wore off.I wanted to be his Helen of Troy, to conquer with my face or intellect or sex alone, though I told myself I wasn’t about all that. He was safe for me, because I didn’t have to worry about making it work, I knew where this was going, and I knew how to act with that and how I would feel.I didn’t want to admit that the adreniline rush was what kept me. I didn’t want a nice man. I wanted a bad man who would be tamed by me, just barely.I had alot fo requirements without even realizing it.
Many times we are in lust or love with what could have been or what could be, not what is. I gotta tell you, Wes sounds like he is the type who is a terrific friend, but a lousy lover.Many of us are that very figure and many time we have one of these figures in our life.It’s kind of like being on a diet. I never really liked cherry pie, it isn’t chocolate see? But the minute I start a diet, cherry pie becomes a must, I have to have it, or I am going to bust.Its also a bit like my oppositional defiance. Tell me I can’t do something, and I will break my neck to do it.
I don’t know if any of this makes sense to you, or if it even fits your situation. But I hope it adds to you and doesn’t take away.
Cristelle
Monica Lewisnky was considered NYC’s ‘IT GIRL’ during the 2001 social scene…according to many credible media sources (ie The New York Times, New York Magazine, Time Out NY, The New Yorker, The Post, etc, etc, etc.). She’s making out like a bandit (see http://www.therealmonica.com)
Hey there, hon. Listen, I just read the Phoenix entry for the first time. Perhaps you should re-read it. The guy has the sensativity of a turnip – say sianara and good riddance. If I were you, I’d run screaming from this one – you deserve someone with more class. What he did with Sean was deplorable – almost as deplorable as Sean himself. Better lonely than miserable with a jerk like that.
Just one man’s opinion in San Francisco.
Cheers!
B-
Hey, anger IS good!
But I write letters and don’t send them all the time. Now I even write blog posts and don’t post them. It’s a great exercise both in restraint and caring, but WAY more importantly in clarifying exactly what you’re pissed at, so I totally applaud you writing it all down (on actual paper no less!).
Oh, and this is SO not a gay thing. Oy.