Imaginarium

I think I have psychosomatic urethritis.

My urinary tract has been bothering me a tiny bit these last couple of days, but I can’t tell if there’s really something going on down there or if it’s just my imagination. It’s not painful, just a little tingly. Does anthrax cause bladder infections? No. Well, not yet, at any rate. But I’m sure someone’s working on it.

To be honest, I didn’t start feeling weird down there until I began reading about Choire’s minor Q-Tip episode. So I suspect this is completely psychosomatic. I mean, I get dizzy and short of breath and start squirming in my seat when I watch a drug scene in a movie, because I’m afraid I’m going to get contaminated merely by watching it happen on celluloid. (Parts of Traffic made me cringe.)

I sometimes worry that my mind has strange powers over me. Sometimes I wonder if I will cause my own death merely by thinking about it too much. I mean, human beings are such fragile, remarkable creatures. We’re completely organic. What the fuck keeps us alive for so long?

I do know that I can bring myself to the brink of insanity merely by forcing myself to think hard about what would exist if there were no universe.

So, anyway, this could be totally psychosomatic. Psychosomatic illness can be caused by anxiety. So I’m wondering, is there anything that’s made me anxious lately? Hmm… other than the slow disintegration of the American way of life and a recurring fear of death when riding the subway or opening my mail, nothing, really.

Oh, that reminds me — I meant to link to this yesterday (sent to me by Choire). I think you have to be in a certain frame of mind to find it funny. Me, I practically snorted milk out of my nose.

Anyway, back to my bladder. I’m pretty sure I don’t have an STD, because I’m not having any sort of discharge down there and there’s no swelling or discoloration, and besides, on the rare occasions that I have intercourse, I use a condom. Always.

I have been eating a lot of spicy chili this week, though. I made a big batch of chili on Sunday night, and I’ve had it for dinner every night this week. Maybe that has something to do with it.

Anyway! I have the keys to my new apartment, and the former tenants have moved out, and so I’m about to go over and take measurements and reacquaint myself with the place. The floors are going to be redone — they were going to start doing it on Monday, but it turns out they may start tomorrow, in which case I can move in on Monday. That would be swell.

Later tonight I’m probably going out with some people. And this weekend I’m going to buy boxes and pack up most of my belongings.

Gosh, if not for all my books, moving would be so easy.

I think I’ll just give up reading anything at all — books, newspapers, street signs — and hire a mime.