Cleansed
I feel better now.
I’ve read your comments. And I’ve done lots of thinking. (Big surprise there.)
Alan is right. All of you were right, in fact. (At least those of you who left your names. Hey, Mr. Oy Vey: I hope you’re enjoying NYU Medical School.)
It’s so simple, really. This is mine. I do it for me. If you get some enjoyment out of it, that’s even better. If you don’t, it doesn’t matter.
I’ve always had this problem. I’ve always spent way too much time worrying about the people who don’t like me. That’s stupid, especially with something like a blog.
Oh, and I’m going to stop worrying about whether this is a blog or an online journal.
I’m happy with my site. I’m happy with the people who are happy with my site. I’m glad people find value in it. That’s great.
And your comments were great, too:
Dezz is right. I’ve hungered for external sources of validation too much.
Alan stated what my site is, when all is well: “It comes across as itself.” I’m going to try to remember that more. It is what it is. Nothing more and nothing less.
Finally, Huntington is right in quoting Eleanor. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
Anyway, I had therapy tonight. Just picture me trying to explain the Bloggies to my therapist. So, you know this website I have… well, they call these things ‘blogs’… it’s short for ‘weblogs’… wow, it’s always weird to say the word ‘blog’ out loud…
We talked about the Bloggies.
We talked about sex. (I’ve still been having it, a little.)
We talked about boyfriends.
We talked about my hair. (Here’s a tidbit: my biggest insecurity about my physical appearance is my hair. I have curly hair, and I had a big afro when I was a kid. Have you seen “The Royal Tennenbaums”? Remember the little boys, Ari and Uzi? They were me. Except I had much tighter curls.)
We talked about how I’m too judgmental of myself — and of other people. Those are related, ya know.
We talked about me wanting to be less shy in bars.
It was a pretty productive 45 minutes.
In other news: I watched “Buffy” tonight. I’ve been steadily working my way through the daily double dose on FX, and it’s fun to follow the story by actually watching the episodes in order. So it’s strange when there’s a new episode on UPN. Thoughts about tonight’s show:
1) Ewwwww.
2) I can’t believe there were commercials for Wendy’s and McDonald’s during the hour! What were they thinking?
3) I miss Tara. (I miss Giles, too.)
4) Addiction storylines: *shiver.* I’ve never done well with addiction storylines. Drugs, magic, whatever; the idea of addiction has always freaked me out. I’ve smoked exactly one-half of a cigarette in my life, and I’ve never done drugs. And I never want to. There was an article in the Times today about gay men and crystal meth and I got all queasy and shaky after the first few paragraphs.
I also watched “Smallville” tonight. I’ve been watching it for a couple of months. It’s not as good as “Buffy,” but it’s better than most shows on TV. And Tom Welling is so wholesome and yummy.
Anyway, to sum up:
We’re back.
i read this post after i made my comments about your last post, so i don’t know how much of what i said will apply. i’m glad you have some perspective.
[selfish mode] good. Glad you’re back.
YEAH!!! Didn’t want to have to come all the way to the east coast, and drag your ass to the keyboard!
:)
Yay! TinMan is here to stay! Yay!
All I can say is, you and your kinky hair and your kinky blog rock, baby! Bring it on!
Thanks for not minding, too, for my writing my previous feedback to you in such a direct, even blunt, manner. I had second thoughts about it afterward, but hoped you’d trust I said it in friendship. Er, well, you know, cyber/pretend-friendship. Er, whatever. You know what I mean. ;)
I was going to say something else here… what was it?
Oh, yeah! Tom Welling, mmmm.
Welcome back :-)
THERE we go…
Thank god you’re different from other blog/journallers. Or else I wouldn’t stop by every day for the unique flava.
You consume alcohol.
You are a drug user.
It’s not just semantics — it’s politics.
Let’s put something into perspective… The illegality of a substance has nothing to do with a) the health safety or b) the severity/strength of mind-alteration.
There are plenty of illegal drugs that, in comparison to alcohol, look like sugar or caffeine in terms of potency.
(yes, yes, exceptions exist, but read on…)
Alcohol is, by far, one of the The Most Damaging drugs on the street today. People kill and get killed, every day, after scoring some alcohol. Why, we even have organisations of mothers devoted to abuse of alcohol alone. A much stronger case exists for banning alcohol then, for example, grass or acid.
For comparison (yes, do try this at home), smoke some grass or take a mushroom one night, and the other night “get drunk”; And, then, let’s talk about what’s a really scary, out-of-control state of mind, and what is merely fear of the unexperienced.
.rob
P.S. No, despite some D.A.R.E. accounts, i have not (nor have i seen anyone) scratch out their own eyes whilst on “drugs.” But, i have seen grown adults piss in their pants because they were too drunk to know any better.
TinMan, rock on.
You’re always interesting. Don’t go anywhere. Or else I might have to read wilwheaton.net *gasp*!
I think we all blog for ourselves. I also think that it’s easy to try and convince oneself that that’s the only reason, but deep down, it’s true that there are other things swirling around, too. Otherwise, we’d probably get a blank book. Or open up MS Word. I don’t blame you for being upset about the Bloggies. If I were in the 6% or whatnot, I’d be bummed too. The sharing of that feeling with your audience is real, it’s what other people are afraid to say. And, hell, TinMan, it’s that honesty that keeps us coming back, so don’t let a couple anonymous commentators get under your skin.
And if you want to say that you do it all for you, that’s fine if it helps you contextualize. I, one of your readers, prefer to think that you do some of it for me, too.
TinMan. Stay.
Lar makes some good comments on what online journaling is all about in her blog, http://www.obsessedmuch.net/blogger.html
And it goes like this:
“I feel safe, having these thoughts on the web. I feel safe because the ones who know me and read them already KNOW me. More of me than the people who I see every day. Certainly more than my family does. And I’m fine with them knowing these things because they make me feel safe. Accepted. All the pretty little freaks, to quote “Empire Records,” and I’m one of them.”