Last night I went to bed around 11:15. I woke up about three hours later, for no apparent reason. I couldn’t fall back asleep. I drank some water. I watched some TV. I got back into bed and my mind was racing. I wasn’t tired at all. An old journal entry popped into my head, something I wrote near the end of my last year of college. I dug through my box of old notebooks and found what I was looking for:
4/27/95
…I thrive on emotions, I suck them out of people, I am a supervillain like one of Superman’s super-powered enemies, with my fatal addiction that makes me have to suck in the universe like a vacuum sucking in a black tablecloth, only there is no underneath because I’ve sucked out existence. And even that won’t be enough because I must have more, more emotion. Intense emotion… Beautiful sexy crunchy, life-fulfilling emotion!
I got back into bed and my mind was still active. The sky outside grew lighter. “Fuck,” I said.
I fell asleep around 6:15 and slept for another hour and a half.
I’m exhausted today. I might go home at lunchtime.
I had a major bout of insomnia a week and a half ago. I thought it had pretty much gone away. But apparently it’s come back.
There is so much I want to write about, so much inside me that I want to express. And yet.
that is a scary villain … one who sucks and feeds off the emotions and energies out of those (s)he encounters
have you met my mother?
Bob, I don’t think you get it…
I know what that feels like. I can see the saddness in your recent posts. From my experience it seems that what we need to make us happy is usually within reach, only we often feel unable to find it or are to scared to do anything about it. I hope things get better for you.
Can your therapist write a script? Ask him/her about hypomanic symptoms related to Type II bipolar and what (s)he thinks of various short term drugs from the -azepam family to be used as needed. (Non mood altering, low level stabilizing tranqs.) If diagnosis has been slow or you’re having trouble figuring out if your emotions are out of whack and causing the insomnia or if its the other way around, ask your shrink about taking the MMPI. (Diagnostic battery, very long… helpful, tho.)
Obviously I’m highly unqualified here and I’m basing this on what you disclose on-line, but to those of us outside your head there does seem to be a certain pattern. Beyond that, hang in there, Jeff. Keep posting, and you have my e-mail address.
*Raising hand high, going “me, me!”* Is it that you didn’t give us our Buffy review? I didn’t know until today how much I looked forward to it.
Gee, things must be bad this is the first spot I could find to even leave a comment. I started reading here a week or so ago and even bookmarked this blog so I could find my way back. I am sorry that you are feeling like you do, I wish I could help. I have been where you are right now and for many years, to be exact. Feel free to write me if it will do any good. take care of yourself, buddy.