Stop

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I want to go on vacation. I want to just rent a car, toss a suitcase and a couple of really big books — such as the one I’m currently reading — in the trunk, drive up to the hinterlands of New England, and check into a motel room for a week. I want not to think about money or the fun that other people are having.

It’s weird. I was relieved after I got my HIV test, but now I have this nagging sense of something else bothering me. It feels health-related, but I think that’s only because I’m a hypochondriac, and we often use our health as a metaphor for other things that are bothering us in our lives. What more must I do to convince myself that I’m healthy? Nothing more, really. It’s all psychological.

I’m planning to move to Brooklyn this fall. So many of my friends seem to live there. My one friend in Jersey City moved to Atlanta last week, so I’ve currently got nobody in town. Actually, I ran into a local acquaintance last night in Jersey City while getting dinner, which not only belies the fact that I know nobody in Jersey City, but also gives me some hope that I might be able to get out of my lease early. My lease ends on November 1. I mentioned to my acquaintance that I was planning to move, perhaps even before my lease ended, and he told me he’d be interested in my apartment, even if I leave early. Perhaps a readily available replacement would encourage my landlord to let me break my lease two months ahead of time.

I want to live near my friends. I want to be able to spontaneously call someone and see if he wants to grab dinner or see a movie. I don’t want to have to schlep across the river into Manhattan just to be social. People don’t call me. They seem to forget about me because I live across the state line.

Brooklyn has beautiful Prospect Park, too.

My commuting time would increase, and my living expenses might increase, but I think it would be worth it.

Money is something else I’m worried about lately — or at least my somehow-decreased ability to pay off credit card debt, which I’d wiped out but now have again because I bought a new computer in March. I want a raise.

I think I’m finally going to join a chorus this fall.

I need more friends, I need to write more, I need to be more disciplined and organized with my time, I need more money (or I need fewer expenses).

I wish that time would stop.

Just so I can empty out my brain for a little bit.

5 thoughts on “Stop”

  1. I think Peace is hard to find in a culture based upon acquisition, not just of material but of status (body, job, address, etc.)

    It’s hard to be happy with just being.

    But, in the End, that is all each of us has, and our relationships.

    .rob

  2. I have a similar “want list” of my own. I realize that I might never get some of the things on my list and even after I’ve gotten some of them it won’t make me “happy”.

    I’m pretty much content without those things, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still desire them or won’t still try reaching for them.

    If you want those things, I say go for it. You only get one life, after all. Enjoy it!

    :)

  3. Congratulations on deciding on making the move. And even better for you if you join the chorus.

    The material (new apt) and creative/social (singing in chorus) things might not fill the void, but you’re out there trying, and I think that’s key.

    I’m all for the trip away, but sooner or later you have to come back. Rob’s right, is is “hard to be happy with just being” but anything you can do to just be, whether it’s writing, singing, meditating, yoga … whatever … it gets you closer to you.

    Zen out and good luck.

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