I’m officially looking for a new job. If anyone out there has a lead, I’d appreciate it if you’d let me know.

I think I’d love to work in a library — I’ve had library jobs before and they seem to suit me — but a job in a nice office-type environment would be fine, too. Preferably something low-stress. What I’m pretty sure about is that I don’t want to practice law anymore. (Not that I ever really wanted to in the first place.)

I had therapy last night, and it was really really good. Since the urologist has told me that my uncomfortable physical sensations are all in my mind, my therapist and I tried to figure out why my mind would be doing this to me. I have a theory that I’ve gone through a fucking nutty amount of stress in the last three months — first and foremost related to my job, but also related to other things — and this is my body’s reaction to all that stress. It’s never reacted this way before, but since I recently had prostatitis (which itself was stressful), I wonder if my body perhaps “remembers” those symptoms and is recreating them.

I need to get out of this job. I no longer care about fulfilling my three-year commitment. The worst that will happen is that I won’t be able to get an official recommendation from the state in the future. I can’t wait until next August; my health and my sanity are more important to me. A new job — something to which I’m better suited — is the most important thing right now.

It also could be that Wellbutrin is not the right drug for me. Granted, I’ve had these symptoms since before I started taking Wellbutrin, but perhaps the Wellbutrin isn’t helping. I haven’t been sleeping well since I started taking it, especially this week; last night I woke up at 2:00 and then at 3:00, and I was awake with pain until about 5:00. Wellbutrin can also create agitation, and perhaps it’s making my symptoms worse. Who knows. Anxiety has always been my problem more than depression, anyway. Maybe a different drug will reduce all this stress and make the symptoms go away.

I actually broke down and cried last night as I tried to get out the words, “I feel like I can’t even trust my own body anymore, I feel like my body has turned against me.” It’s scary to feel that your own body is playing tricks on you.

When I was at my lowest yesterday afternoon, completely scared and stressed out about this, I called my dad to talk about it with him, and he called me a hypochondriac.

Okay — I’m a chronic worrier about my health. I often worry that a particular symptom is a sign of something worse than it actually turns out to be. But while I overly worry about the consequences of symptoms, I’ve never actually imagined symptoms before. So this is just weird. I’ve printed out this to read, though.

There is one ray of light. When I have an erection, there’s no pain.

Yup — last night I confirmed that despite what’s been going on with me, I can still have great sex.

(This was not during therapy, of course.)

I’ll close by repeating — if anyone has any job leads, I’d love it if you could pass them on to me. Thanks.