An obnoxious letter appears in the most recent issue of the UVA Alumni News magazine, which I received in the mail today:
Content Questioned
It would seem there is a disturbing trend of pro-gay advocacy in Alumni News. In the class notes section, which I always look forward to reading, I was disturbed to read a proud “new parents” announcement of a girl to a pair of men.
Some on your editorial staff may think that this is progressive, politically correct and reflective of changing attitudes toward the family and marriage. To me, it is an insult to the core of society: the family. In the sad wake of the sexual revolution, there is already tons of data by sociologists that children raised in a home with a mother and father with whom they have a biological connection are the most stable, and less likely to fall into adolescent delinquency, substance abuse, teenage sex, etc. If the aim of the University is to serve society, then we need to foster an environment that helps strong citizens to grow and develop, and not just benchmark the steps taken by different persons as if any choice is equivalent.
I ask you if it is reasonable to endorse with normalcy the actions of a fringe of people that affect the foundations of society.
Barbara Ellen Spencer (Col ’83)
New Delhi, India
This makes me so angry. I’ve written the following letter, which I might e-mail to her. I think I need to sleep on it first. [Update: I emailed it to her and to the alumni magazine this morning.]
Dear Ms. Spencer:
I was greatly angered and offended by your shameful letter in the most recent issue of the UVA Alumni News.
How dare you, Ms. Spencer. How dare you exploit one family’s moment of joy as a soapbox for your own political concerns. Exactly who do you think you are?
I assume that you’re an expatriate and that India is not your home country. I would expect someone who lives outside one’s own country to be tolerant of the different types of people in this world – to be able to see the world through the eyes of someone other than yourself. But apparently that’s not the case.
It’s strange that you would see an adoption announcement by two men as an example of “pro-gay advocacy.” There are marriage and birth announcements in newspapers and magazines all over the world every day; should these be taken as examples of “pro-heterosexual advocacy”? No; they are simply a result of people wanting to share their joy with the world. Rather than trying to be “progressive, politically correct and reflective of changing attitudes toward the family and marriage,” it’s more likely that the alumni magazine merely received a notice of a family’s adoption and did what they would normally do – they printed it.
Your letter implies that children raised by same-sex couples are more likely than other children to “fall into adolescent delinquency, substance abuse, teenage sex, etc.” Funny – it’s always seemed to me that suburban teenagers from happy heterosexual two-parent families have no problem becoming delinquent, abusing substances, or engaging in sex. I’m not sure what studies you’re referring to, but for every study you cite, there’s another study showing that children raised in same-sex-parent households grow up to be just as healthy as children raised by parents of different genders.
Your statement that a “fringe of people [can] affect the foundations of society” is paradoxical and epitomizes the paranoia of those who, frightened by anything that seems different to them, exaggerate perceived threats. How can such a “fringe group” as gays and lesbians, who likely make up, at most, five to six percent of the population, have such a deep effect on society as you claim they do? You’re merely using gays as a scapegoat for the numerous problems that exist in American society today.
I fail to see anything about being raised in a same-sex-parent household that gets in the way of becoming a “strong citizen” who can “grow and develop.” On the contrary, it seems to me that you’re the one who has some growing and developing to do.
In your letter, you state that the adoption announcement is an “insult to the core of society: the family.” On the contrary, Ms. Spencer: your letter is an insult to me and the millions of gay men and lesbians in the world who are trying to form our own families and live our own lives just as everyone else in the world does, with all the daily challenges and triumphs this entails.
The male couple’s adoption announcement to which you refer is not an insult to “the family.” No, Ms. Spencer: your letter is an insult to their family.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Sincerely,
Jeff XXXXX
CLAS ’95, LAW ’99
Bravo!
Love your reply letter. Very thought-provoking and honest without being trite or offensive.
(Just blog hopping, hope you don’t mind!)
If you’re going to send it to her, make sure you send it to the alumni magazine too! They’re the ones that chose to publish it the first time through.
That’s far more thoughtful than her original letter deserves. I’d just point out that her own life is not a “benchmark” for others, and she has no more answers than you do–and you pay the same alumni dues.
Don’t get so angry. Other people’s anger is empowering.
Send it. I’m sick of people saying that I’m not part of “the core of a family” because I’m queer. My mother would disagree with her as well.
Definitely send it to the alumni magazine, and I’ll send one too. I missed that letter in my sleepy perusal of the mag last night, and I’m ashamed to hear it was published.
Bravo, Jeff.
I say you should embrace your anger and your disgust. It’s people like her who deserve society’s scorn, not homosexuals in stable loving relationships. Fuck her and her fucking sanctimonious bullshit.
Don’t sleep on it….SEND IT!!!!! My blood pressure just went thru the roof! My partner and I have been in a LTR for 29 soon to be 30 yrs. We raised my biological son from the time he was 7 (when his MOTHER didn’t want to deal with him anymore). He graduated from HS –drug free–alcohol free and as hetero as you can get. He joined the Navy and served honorably . He’s 35-soon to be married -has a great job -a pilar in his community. Now what did we do wrong???????? SEND your letter!
Forgive the ramblings of one pissed off Dad. Ed
Jeff:
Awesome. Thanks for sending it [for the sake of my blood pressure — if you hadn’t, I’d probably have written something myself]. I hope it kicks off a hell of a discussion, and if it does I’ll probably be right there with Mr. Jarrett upthread putting in my $.02.
SING OUT LOUISE!!!
Absolutely first-rate letter.
And yes it’s important to get angry — and stay angry.
The Barbara Jean Spencers of this world aren’t going away — and they must be smacked down every time they appear.
HARD.
Shame on the alumni magazine for running such an insulting, mean-spirited, derogatory diatribe.
Whenever much of the media runs an article relating to gay and lesbian people, it feels the need to follow up with the printing of an anti-gay letter. Is this “balance?â€
Perhaps the alumni magazine considers itself more “progressive†when running articles related to gays and lesbians, yet adhering to the aforementioned “balance†by running negative responses to them.
Good for you for calling them on it.
that rocks, I hope they print it.
My retort to Barbara Ellen Spencer: wtf is wrong with ‘teenage sex’? Obviously you did not get any! It’s a wonder she didn’t include masturbation in her list. These people are UNBELIEVABLE!!
And that is a great letter, Jeff!
Excellent response, Jeff. Richmond’s newspaper often carries letters like Spencer’s and I’m in the habit of ignoring them. I’m glad you decided not to do so. As the proud gay dad of a well-adjusted 10-year-old, I think Spencer is full of shit.
Wonder why she lives in India. Where the culture is even more scrutinized and less forgiving than the US. I think she just sent people back to the wrong mentality. Sheesh! Nice work Jeff. Hopefully your letter will be printed in the next magazine. Please keep us posted if she e mails you back. I for one on this Thanksgiving Eve, am greatful, this woman isnt in our country! Gobble Gobble Ms. Spencer!
Excellent Letter. I’m glad you sent it.
thanks!
Just adding my appreciation. What a great letter, Jeff.
Well written! Can I use some of your lines from the letter if I ever have to respond to someone like Ms. Spencer?
Hear, hear! Great letter.
I don’t understand how a same-sex couple with a kid can be so frightening to a straight person. The argument that gay marriages or families by their very existence somehow cheapen or weaken het family arrangements is bizarre.
It’s always been bizarre. And that’s why we’re winning. The overhwelming majority of straights don’t sit around worrying about what gay people are up to — any more than they worry about what their fellow straights are up to. If the marriage of the family next door collapses, it doesn’t mean that yours is in danger. Same with just about everything else you can name. Homophobia is all about paranoia and panicky fright.
Thank goodness rationality wins the day.
‘Thank goodness rationality wins the day.’
Let’s hope so David E.! I still harbour doubts about that one ..
Trust me, you wouldn’t believe the number of letters like that one, and much, much worse, that appear in my local paper every week.
Actually I’m glad these letters, including the one in the UVA alumni mag, are published. Nothing shows stupidity better than letting stupid people speak for themselves. They practically make our case for us.
Send the reply!
You GO, Jeff. I’m so tired of pussyfooting around with bigots. They need to hear what we have to say. Hers is just the sort of hate-filled, sanctimonious bullshit the religious right and the current political regime feel they can lob at us because of the intolerant social climate they’ve fostered in this country. Well, kids, the climate’s about to change!