Because I’m feeling rather emotionally open today, here’s a story.
About two years ago, Matt and I befriended a group of gay guys. We already knew one of them, but somehow we got to know the rest. They had a weekly Friday night ritual where they’d go out for drinks and then go over to one guy’s apartment and watch the Sci-Fi channel’s Friday night lineup. Sometimes they’d go out to a movie or just do a bar night.
We became a part of their circle, and it was great – a real improvement in our social lives. It gave us automatic plans for Friday night and we always looked forward to it.
Then last spring, something happened. For some reason – and to this day I have no idea what that reason was – the “leader” of the group, the guy who hosted us at his apartment every Friday night, turned on me. Matt and I stopped receiving weekly invites, and the guy de-linked me from his blog and took me off his Friendster list. All without ever contacting me directly. I emailed him to ask what was going on, and he never responded.
His behavior was totally passive-aggressive. A real sign of stunted emotional growth. He used to joke that he lacked a heart, that he wasn’t comfortable with emotion, and these actions made me realize he was right. He seemed to wear his lack of emotion as a badge of honor, but I think that’s because he was too scared to deal with what was underneath. Actually, I have no right to say that, because I don’t know him well enough, but he wouldn’t be the first person on the planet to drown his fear in an affect of bitterness.
After Matt and I were kicked out of the group, we managed to keep in touch with a couple of the guys. One of them was the friend we already knew; the other one was a friend we made in the group. As for the rest, we lost all contact. We’d never really hung out with most of the guys on their own, but there was a gay couple in the group that we used to have brunch with occasionally. The brunches stopped. It was like we’d become totally ostracized. It’s amazing what kind of power one person has. One person decides he doesn’t like you, and suddenly your social life changes. Nobody ever contacted us to say they felt bad about us being kicked out. Nothing. Of course, this was just a sign that we’d never really had close ties to the other guys in the first place. I guess we never really belonged there. Or at least I didn’t.
This all came rushing back this weekend, because the friend we’d made in the group, who is moving away, threw a going-away party. Several members of the group were there, although the group leader wasn’t. I hadn’t seen most of them in almost a year. It was awkward for me. They seemed friendly and conversational, but I have no idea what they were really thinking. The group leader had often been quite vocal about the things he disliked, and God only knows what he ever said about me over drinks behind my back and how much he might have influenced the other guys’ opinions of me.
When all of this happened last spring, it hurt. I soon realized that it wasn’t worth worrying over, because you shouldn’t value the opinion of someone unless there’s a reason to. I feel only contempt for him, zero admiration (and actually a bit of pity), so why waste the time? And yet, paradoxically, it still kind of hurts, almost a year later. The reasons for what happened have nothing to do with me — what other people think of you is none of your business — but it still happened.
I’ve been wanting to write about this for a long time. It feels good to have done so.
Looking back on this series of event, I think what happened is that Mr. Leader wanted to “friend break up” with you but didn’t know how.
Just like a romantic relationship needs the closure of a break up discussion, telling someone you don’t want to hang with them requires an equally awkward conversation. Sadly, Mr. Leader doesn’t really seem to have the emotional maturity to have such a conversation.
And by pretending that nothing happened your mutual friends also seemed to treat it like nothing really happened.
I dunno. It’s my current theory. As you know I can talk about this for days.
Then again, there’s the old saying “To Thine Own Self Be True” and you guys are living proof of that. You’ve obviously done nothing wrong, so don’t let it gnaw at you.
I knew it might be awkward, so I appreciate your willingness to bear that to come hang with me. I’ll miss you!
lashon hara… the Great American Sin.
I had a friend/co-worker pull that stunt on me. Even though many other friends said she was like that and not to worry about it still stings.
Don’t back off your assessment of the leader and inability to deal with there own baggage.
I eventually heard that she ended up in extensive therapy [don’t we all ïŠ] and even though the friendship will never be repaired I am glad she finally got help.