Mental Health Day

Yesterday morning I woke up and decided to take a mental/physical health day. I wasn’t sure whether to call it a personal day or a sick day, because it was sort of both. I hadn’t been sleeping well lately, and I was feeling mentally drained and depressed and self-loathing, particularly about my ability to write, or even about my right to write. I just couldn’t bear the thought of going to work. I needed a day to recharge.

It was wonderful.

I got back into bed and turned on WQXR, New York’s classical music station. I couldn’t remember the last time I let myself just lie in bed listening to the radio. I fell asleep. I woke up. Fell asleep again. Finally got out of bed around noon.

Lay on the couch reading a couple of chapters of Joel’s book, Swish: My Quest to Become the Gayest Person Ever, which, despite the jocular title, is surprisingly moving.

Went to my computer to dig up old half-finished stories and pieces I’d written.

Got back into bed with The Artist’s Way, which I think I’m going to work through for the third time, and read the introductory sections.

Sat down in the kitchen to write in my notebook.

Went for a run in Central Park. I planned to run to and around the Reservoir so I could feel like Dustin Hoffman in Marathon Man (which we rented a few weeks ago), but I got winded before I even got to the Reservoir. So first I started walking around the Reservoir, and then I started running again, and then I walked then ran then walked then ran then walked home.

Then I decided to do my first Artist’s Date. I decided to do something I’d never done before: bake a pie.

I bought blueberries last week, and that made me wonder about making a blueberry pie, so when I got home I found a recipe in my all-purpose cookbook, bought the ingredients, and baked a pie. I had to buy a bunch of things we didn’t have, so the pie wound up costing me 40 bucks. But that included a pie pan, cinammon, allspice, sugar, cornstarch (when I will ever use cornstarch again? better bake more pies), lemon juice, butter, and a seven-dollar tub of vanilla ice cream, because you can’t have pie without ice cream. Matt came home from work just as I started unpacking the ingredients, and he asked me why I didn’t just go out and buy a pie for less money, but then he caught himself and realized that that wasn’t the point for me, that the experience was the point for me.

Here’s how it came out.

blueberry pie

Very oozy and drippy. But I was proud of myself, because I’d never done it before.

So we ordered in Thai food and ate pie and watched the latest episode of “Legally Blonde The Musical: The Search For Elle Woods,” which has an awkward and unwieldy title. I hate reality shows and avoid them on principle, because (1) I think they’re putting writers out of business and (2) I think a good narrative story engages the creative part of our brains better than a contest where mean people are exploited. But I actually like this show.

(I wonder if that’s why reality TV does so well: we all say we hate reality TV except for that one show.)

We watched a little more TV and then went to bed.

I still woke up too early this morning, but I feel better than I’ve felt in several days.

Sometimes, when a voice inside is telling you to take a break, you really need to listen.

Rent 12 Years Later

Campbell Robertson of the New York Times has a great piece about the ways in which the passage of time has made Rent anachronistic since it first appeared more than a decade ago. My favorite part:

There is a fascinatingly antagonistic attitude among the characters toward virtual reality and what they call cyberland. The creation of a cyber studio on a lot on East 11th Street is the great evil of the musical, seemingly more ominous than AIDS or drugs, and yet if “Rent” took place today, half the characters in the show would be blogging.

She also has some insight into the authenticity, or lack thereof, in musical theater.

[tos] again

I decided I wanted to see [tos] again, so I got myself a ticket for tonight. I went online and it turned out there was a great seat available in the second row, center orchestra, so I snagged it. (Sometimes excellent seats pop up on the day of a show, especially single seats.)

I’m so psyched. I know I’ve sounded like an obsessed teenager this week, but so be it.

Last night in therapy I was talking about the show and how it’s reawakened these creative yearnings in me. An image came into my head of this long, sharp metal object piercing through the layers of skin and baggage and events that have accumulated over my lifetime, parting them like the Red Sea, and reaching down to touch my tender core, my truest yearnings and desires that have become encrusted over the years with so much other stuff.

I need to get this shit out of my system.

P.S. And oh my god, Jeff Bowen writes crossword puzzles.

Wild and Wonderful

Reviews of Broadway flops, part 1.

“Wild and Wonderful,” The New York Times, December 8, 1971. Reviewed by Clive Barnes.

The new Broadway musical, “Wild and Wonderful,” is wet, windy and wretched. It opened last night at the Lyceum Theater. I shall always try to remember it, and to use it as a yardstick to measure the future.

I don’t want to be gratuitously unkind to the people who perpetrated this — but why did they have the arrogance to imagine that their garrulous wanderings justified two hours of my time, or anyone else’s time? This is a show that insults the intelligence. Producers — even amateur producers — shouldn’t do this. This is the kind of show that sends you back to television — or, if that is too radical, at least back to television commercials.

It is impossible to imagine the precise degree of cultural shock that a show of this type can administer. A musical like this makes critics wonder whether they should ask their publishers for hazardous duty pay for their brains, or, failing that, a precise statement of where they stand with Blue Cross and Blue Shield.

“Wild and Wonderful” is described as a “Big City” fable. Its hero is a West Point dropout who has joined the Central Intelligence Agency. He is assigned to infiltrate youthful radicalism. A girl throws her school books off the George Washington Bridge — it happens every Tuesday, I guess — and he confuses her with a radical bomb-thrower. His C.I.A. chief, who lives in a helicopter, encourages him in this mistake.

The agent radicalizes the girl and takes her to a Roman Catholic shelter. The shelter is managed by Brother John — who wears a turtle-neck and is absolutely groovy — and Father Desmond, who appears to have ulcers and a problem of incipient alcoholism. He also — quite frankly — cannot understand the now generation, or even the youth sub-drug culture. Father Desmond is without it.

The girl — a nice enough kid in all conscience — falls in love, without knowing it, of course, with this young, hippy C.I.A. agent, who happens to be the son of a multimillionaire. But I shall not detain you with the story. The humor — at the performance I saw, people were giggling at the show incontinently but with reason — is so flat that is makes Amsterdam appear like a village at the top of Mount Everest. Indeed, this musical provides a new dimension to flatness.

The music was bad, the lyrics were bad, the book was worse than bad, the choreography unsupportable, the costumes proved singularly hideous and were spectacularly unflattering to every woman in the cast and, in the context, the settings seemed gratefully close to what we think of as professional.

The role of the heroine — who had to carry the most stupid of cumulative gags about late, late show movies — was played with more charm than it deserved by Laura McDuffie, and Walter Willison threw in everything but his kitchen sink, range and refrigerator — to say little or nothing of the air-conditioning — in an effort to make the hero viable. Even Mr. Willison failed, and Mr. Willison is unusually talented. Ted Thurston, who played the priest with something of the gallant air of man about to be defrocked, is also a fine performer who deserves better of life than this.

This was a terrible and witless show. The kind of show where you leave, find that it is raining, instantly feel like Gene Kelly and start singing. At least you are in the street rather than in the theater.

It closed after one performance.

First Words

I’m getting a ton of hits today from people searching Google for “tin man’s first words in the movie,” or some variation thereof.

Can one of you tell me what this is all about?

Title of Show and the Cool People

Post number five on [title of show].

I’m sorry. But I can’t get it out of my head. And I’ll explain why.

And then I have an anecdote. But first the explanation.

It’s not like this a flawless, OMFG-amazing this-is-the-best-thing-you’ll-ever-see show. It’s not tightly plotted, and it can be too insider-y, and some of the writing could be more polished, and the second half has problems, and the whole thing has minimal production values.

But there are so many wonderful stretches, and hilarious moments, and brilliant lyrics, and catchy or moving melodies, and the sum of its parts is terrific. And that whole experience on Saturday night — being in that wild, fan-filled audience, going to the stagedoor afterward — the whole thing somehow reconnected me with my much-younger, long-forgotten self.

I haven’t felt this way since I experienced Rent.

My Rent experience started way before I actually saw the show. In the mid-90s, I wasn’t too plugged into the Broadway scene, because I was away from home, at school in Virginia. Rent opened on Broadway in the spring of 1996 (after a long journey), but it wasn’t on my radar. It wasn’t until the end of ’96 that I was home in New Jersey, on break from my first year of law school, that someone mentioned the cast album of the show and how good it was. A few months later I decided to buy the album, knowing nothing about the show and never having heard the music before. I think I bought it over spring break — again while home in New Jersey. I listened to it in my car on the long ride back to Virginia, and it blew me away. For months thereafter, I listened to it endlessly. It was practically the only thing I listened to in my car. To this day I probably know every note of that album.

Then I read online about how this whole subculture had built up around the Rent line. Rent used to have a policy where the first two rows of seats were reserved for the first few dozen people on line outside the theater. Young Rent fanatics would wait outside the Nederlander Theater overnight for tickets, and over time, they developed friendships. Theyd wait all day, then tickets would be distributed at 6 p.m., and you could go grab a bit or whatever until the show at 8.

I read about these people and I was so envious. They seemed like they had so much fun. I wanted to be part of them. I wanted to be in their group.

I suppose it came from my not rebelling enough as a kid, from being too careful and studious — from feeling that while other kids were always allowed to play and break the rules, I, for some reason unknown to my kid self, never was allowed. I carried a Unique Burden. I had a Responsibility. I liked the neatness of my world — do well in school, and in return receive praise and protection from parents and teachers. I preferred my own world, where I knew what the rules were and knew how to follow them and thereby succeed.

Anyway, now I was 23 and I read about the RENT-heads and I wanted to be with them.

That summer, I was home working in New Jersey, and I finally decided to wait on The Line and see the show. There were numerous times I thought about it, and finally one day in the middle of July I decided to skip work and do it. I didn’t want to wait all night long, though, so I decided I’d get up really early and get to the theater by 7 in the morning. If the spots were all filled, then at least I’d tried.

I got there and I was in luck: there were still spots remaining. I hung out in front of the Nederlander with these other people all day. I talked with a few of them, but I didn’t particularly bond with any of them, and I never saw any of them again.

The big downer was that, as I learned sometime during the day, both Anthony Rapp and Adam Pascal were going to be out that night. I’d fallen in love with Anthony Rapp through listening to the cast album, and I was devastated that I wasn’t going to be able to see him perform. And on top of that, Roger was out, too? Both male leads were out? (Turned out Rent experienced a rash of understudies that summer.)

It wound up not mattering. I got a second row ticket and I had a magical experience that night. I was moved to tears more than once, overwhelmed by finally being able to see this show that I’d come to know so well in my own way and to commune with the performers who stood just a few feet in front me.

Anyway. Back to [title of show].

Experiencing it among the fanatics the other night was a much different experience from seeing it at the three-quarters-filled Vineyard Theater a couple of years ago. The combination of the show itself, its inspirational message, the appeal of the four leads, and being among all these fanatics — it all added up to something hard to define.

Afterwards, Matt and I decided to hang out by the stage door for a while. We did this more out of curiosity than out of… what? Well, when I was younger, I might have wanted desperately to commune with the actors, get their autographs, talk to them, and hope that they’d see something great inside me and want to be my friend and that, by some form of osmosis, they might transfer their coolness to me.

But on Saturday night I was 34 years old and I knew that that’s not what happens, and anyway, there were tons of people waiting by the stage door, including a 16-year-old girl who was waiting to give the actors a stuffed toy monkey in a Playbill t-shirt (this relates to the show), and I heard some guy mention how he’d seen Wicked with the original cast, back when he was in second grade. I felt way too old to be there, not cool enough to stand out from the crowd enough for Hunter and Jeff to notice me, and on top of that, I knew that the sort of magic I used to yearn for doesn’t happen. Other people can’t make you different from who you are. There’s no transitive property of coolness.

And we were tired of waiting. So we went home.

So here’s my anecdote.

One weeknight a couple of years ago, I was coming out of the West 4th Street subway station on the way home from somewhere. By the time I got off the last car of the train and walked all the way down the platform to the front end where my stairway was, there was nobody else around.

And then I saw two people coming down those stairs. They were Jeff Bowen and Hunter Bell, the stars and creators of [title of show].

There was nobody else around but me and them.

I was starstruck. But I didn’t say anything, because I was a New Yorker, and we see recognizable people all the time, and you’re not supposed to disturb them, and maybe they were in a hurry to get somewhere, and besides, what would I have said to them?

But I wish I’d said something anyway.

Deep down — sometimes not so deep — I still want to be one of the cool people. The ones who sing and dance and act stupid and hug each other and say funny things to each other and know that they’ll always have each other.

I really want to. Desperately.

Broadway Ticket Scanning

Here’s a Q&A about why ushers at many Broadway shows now scan the bar codes on your tickets instead of tearing them. Tidbit:

[T]he scanners record exactly when each patron enters the theatre, allowing Telecharge to amass and analyze data on when people tend to show up. What have they found so far? A lot of the data has confirmed conventional wisdom. For instance, at plays, which tend to attract native New Yorkers, lots of people show up five minutes before curtain. At musicals, which attract more tourists, people tend to show up earlier.

Die Vampire, Die

I know this is the fourth [title of show] post I’ve written in the last few days.

But I was just sitting at my cubicle listening to “Die Vampire, Die” on my iPod, and I got to the part that goes

The last vampire is the mother of all vampires and that is the vampire of despair. It’ll wake you up at 4am to say things like:

Who do you think you’re kidding?
You look like a fool.
No matter how hard you try, you’ll never be good enough.

Why is it that if some dude walked up to me on the subway platform and said these things, I’d think he was a mentally ill asshole, but if the vampire inside my head says it, it’s the voice of reason.

and I started silently crying.

Now I’m typing this entry and it’s happening again.

One thing I noticed when I stopped taking Celexa a few months ago after 4 1/2 years is that the spigots got unblocked. It first happened to me while watching “Enchanted,” of all things. I’d forgotten what it was like for tears to well up so easily. I hadn’t even realized I’d forgotten.

Emotions seem much more feelable to me again these days.

Holiday Weekend

Thoughts swirling through my head today on only a few hours of sleep. Once again I woke up around 4:00 this morning. Why does this keep happening? We must get a new mattress and an actual bed.

As I drifted in and out of sleep I kept dreaming about [title of show]. Still thinking about the first preview the other night. I can’t get these lyrics out of my head today:

I’d rather be
Nine people’s favorite thing
Than a hundred people’s ninth favorite thing

I’m still thinking about our holiday weekend. It was really nice — we did at least one fun thing on Friday, Saturday and Sunday, which had not been the norm for us lately.

On Thursday night I opened up my cardboard box of memorabilia. I’d taped it up when we moved last fall and hadn’t opened it since. I wanted to dig through my old journals, but I wound up spending the evening looking through a few hundred photographs that have been sitting in various drugstore envelopes for years. Then I pored over words I’d written almost exactly 10 years ago.

On Friday afternoon we saw WALL-E. I loved it. Can’t recommend it highly enough. One of the most poetic and beautiful animated films I’ve ever seen. I want my own WALL-E to keep as a pet. I also realized that the shape of his head is similar to E.T.’s. I wonder if that was intentional.

After the movie, we went to a Fourth of July party at our friends’ place and watched the fireworks from their roof. It was raining, and the rain weighed down the smoke over the East River and kept it from dissipating, so most of the fireworks were obscured. That was kind of disappointing.

Saturday night was [title of show], and yesterday afternoon we went to my parents’ house for a little family hangout. My dad grilled up burgers, chicken skewers, and steak, and we ate outside. My parents have done lots of gardening this summer and there were flowers everywhere, as well as a few bird feeders that attracted lots of birds (and some squirrels and, I think, a couple of rats). My parents’ backyard is surrounded by tall trees, which were fully green in mid-summer bloom. It was such a nice respite from the city. I think human beings need to commune with nature — it touches something inherent in us. It grounds us and reminds us where we came from. It slows us down, re-synchronizes us with the clock of the world. Trees, plants and animals are so much realer and truer than concrete and plaster and pixels and plastic.

Alas, all weekends come to an end. But I don’t want to waste this summer like I usually do. Matt and I should try to get away somewhere, even if just for a couple of days. I want to slow down and appreciate summer for once.

[title of show] Preview

We just got back from the first Broadway preview of [title of show]. It was a night at the theater I’ll never forget.

[title of show] is a musical about its own creation. It was written for the New York Musical Theatre Festival in 2004, transferred to an Off-Broadway run at the Vineyard Theater, and led to a series of YouTube videos about the gang’s quest to get their show on Broadway. (More here.) It’s developed a big cult following among the theater geek set. We first saw it at the Vineyard a couple of years ago, we’d both watched all their videos, and we’ve listened to the cast album a lot, so a few weeks ago we decided to get some tickets for the first preview.

I have never heard cheering in a Broadway theater as loud as I heard in the Lyceum tonight. It was overwhelming. The audience was clearly filled with fans. From beginning to end, the audience screamed and shouting and clapped its heart out for the five people up there. It was a wall of sound.

I felt bad for the elderly couple sitting next to me. They seemed thoroughly baffled. I was next to the husband, who was using the theater’s hearing equipment. At the very beginning, when Larry Pressgrove, the music director, who is actually part of the show, walked out onto the stage, and the audience erupted in cheers, the man leaned over to me and asked who the guy and why everyone was cheering for him.

For the rest of the audience, it was lots of fun. And since the show is about trying to get to Broadway, and this was the first preview on Broadway, it was poignant. The audience spontaneously broke into a standing ovation at the end of the second-to-last song, and it must have lasted a good minute and a half. Who knows what the four principals, Jeff, Hunter, Susan, and Heidi, thought of this. Their expressions were frozen on their faces as they waited for the ovation to die down, but they must have been overwhelmed. During the final number, which is a low-key, poignant piece, a couple of their voices broke as they sang, and Susan’s eyes were filled with tears.

I don’t know how run-of-the-mill Broadway audiences will respond to it. They certainly won’t respond like the audience did tonight. That’s why it was so much fun to be there tonight.

There are a few kinks they need to work out with some of the new material. But the show remains clever and witty and endearing, and it’s filled with inside theater jokes. If you’re a theater geek — or any sort of creative type, for that matter — you’ll appreciate the show and its message.

Jesse Helms, R.I.H.

Jesse Helms has died.

I emailed a friend of mine:

I rarely feel this way about someone, but may he rot in hell, if it exists.

He wrote back:

Or if it doesn’t, may he have to be reincarnated as a crippled black Jewish lesbian living in Mississippi.

Amen.

Presidents in the Movies

We watched The American President last night. It was on TV the other night so we decided to TiVo it. I’ve seen it many times, and I always enjoy it. But it’s always jarring to see Martin Sheen playing the chief of staff instead of the president. It’s fun to look for other precursors of The West Wing (both the movie and the TV show were written by Aaron Sorkin, don’t you know). For instance, Anna Deavere Smith and Joshua Malina are in both the movie and the show. And there’s a politician named Stackhouse — governor in the movie, filibustering senator on TV. Here are more similarities. Huh. I never realized that Sydney Wade’s sister is played by the same actress who played Ellie Bartlett.

I’ve always wanted to write a paper about how movie portrayals of the President of the United States changed in the 1990s. When I was a kid, it seemed that whenever a movie featured the president, he was played by some bland, gray-haired, middle-aged man, and he was never a main character. He’d just appear for a few minutes, just long enough to make the agonizing-yet-tough decision to bomb Country X or to shake his fist and refuse to give in to the demands of the villains. He’d stand there in shirtsleeves and suspenders, make his gray-haired decision, and then we’d get back to Jack Ryan or Superman or whoever.

But in the 1990s, Bill Clinton took office. He was from a new generation, more touchy-feely, more idealistic, and the popular conception of the presidency changed as the barrier between public and president fell away. (Boxers or briefs?) This shift was reflected in the movies. Suddenly there were movies about being the president, movies from the president’s point of view. He was now portrayed as younger, friendlier, more idealistic, more vigorous. We were invited to identify with him, root for him. In 1993, there was Dave: Kevin Kline impersonates the president and tries to fix Washington. In 1995, The American President: the idealistic, witty liberal. In 1996, Independence Day: the president flies a fighter jet! In 1997, Air Force One: president as action hero!

I know there’s a paper in there somewhere.

And We’re Back

Well, that was fun!

My apologies to anybody who’s tried to access my site since Friday. My site’s been down for four days and it finally came back up this evening. I ran into a little snafu while trying to renew my domain name. It was frustrating. But things seem back on track now.

If you’ve sent emails to me at tinmanic.com since Friday, I haven’t received them. So you might want to try sending them again.

Again, my apologies, and I’m just glad my site’s back up.

The Age of Reagan

I recently finished reading Sean Wilentz’s new book, The Age of Reagan: A History, 1974-2008. It’s about the rise of the conservative movement from the post-Watergate era to the present, with its culmination in the Reagan presidency.

I didn’t notice this right away, but it eventually struck me that the era covered in The Age of Reagan coincides almost exactly with my lifetime. I was born in December 1973, at the height of Watergate. I was an infant when Nixon resigned. I used to think I was a “Watergate baby,” until I learned that the term “Watergate babies” actually refers to the 75 Democrats elected to Congress in 1974 in the wake of the scandal. But I still like applying the term to those of us born around that time. I feel some solidarity with people who are my age or pretty close to it, who were in the same grade of school at the same time as me, who experienced world events at the same age I did.

It got me wondering about when I first discovered “the news.” What’s the first news story I remember?

I think it was the Iranian hostage crisis. I remember sitting in my parents’ bed one morning in the late ’70s. On TV there were men with white hoods covering their heads. This was a striking image for a little kid to see, and it scared me. Did I see something similar to this?

The next news event I remember is the 1979 gas shortage. My mom packed me into the car with some sandwiches on a spring (summer?) day and we drove to the nearby gas station, where we waited on a long line that stretched around the block, everyone waiting to get gas.

Next: the 1980 election. I remember being in my first grade classroom and looking at the latest edition of the Weekly Reader, the weekly newsmagazine for kids. On the cover were pictures of the three major presidential candidates, each in an oval: President Carter, Ronald Reagan, and John Anderson.

Next I remember the 1984 election. In my fifth grade classroom, we had a mock vote. One student portrayed Reagan and the other portrayed Mondale, and each articulated the candidate’s positions. Then we voted. Out of 20-plus kids in the class, everyone voted for Reagan except me. I voted for Mondale.

From then on, I started to become more aware. Live Aid. The Challenger disaster. Chernobyl. Iran-Contra. The 1988 election, where every candidate seemed to have a one-syllable name. (Bush. Dole. Gore. Hart. Haig. Kemp.)

What are the earliest news events you remember?